Life sucks...
Life sucks. I am sitting here, nine days after my brother has died, and feel like crap. Today I did a little bit of running around and I was just getting sick. Everyone was going on as if nothing has happened. People in the store or the mall are going on with their lives, and I feel angry. I feel angry! ANGRY! Not angry with God, and not really angry with anyone in particular, just angry. My life has been seriously interrupted and people all around me seem not to notice. Christmas is going on just as normal - as if nothing happened. "MY BROTHER DIED FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" I want to yell it at the top of my lungs! Life as I know it has all of a sudden halted. My brother, my best friend, was taken from this life. My perspective and outlook on life has all of a sudden changed. Right now I feel like all I want to do is just curl up in a corner and do nothing. Just sulk. Life does not seem to matter any more. Nothing seems to matter. What is worth living for?
But then I think to myself, yes I think to myself, life must go on. I have to push through. Sometimes it feels as if the pain will never leave me, and honestly it probably will linger on in the deepest parts of me for the rest of my life. I tell myself that Benji is in a far better place. He is praising and worshiping his Jesus right now, but it doesn't help relieve the pain. It still hurts. The pain is real! The pain HURTS!
I know that God is in control and I know that death is not part of his plan. God hates death, in fact he hates it so much that he sent his own son to die so that death would be defeated. God has brought a lot of healing and has given me a peace, but it still hurts. Benji's death has made me want to praise God more, but it still hurts. I can sing "It is well with my soul" but it still hurts. IT HURTS! Benji left a huge void, a huge hole in my life! Thanks a lot BRO! I love you too! It isn't fair. This is not how it is supposed to be.
Although it hurts, and let me tell you, it hurts, I will continue to trust and to praise God more. But the pain will not go away. I will live with this pain for the rest of my life. For certain I have the hope that I will see him again, in Heaven, but it still hurts, and it will not go away. It will dwindle, but will never disappear. Life sucks! It is full of pain and hurt. This was not how we were created to live! God did not intend his creation to have to go through this. This is not part of his plan at all. But one day... one day... the pain will all go away, and those who believe will be caught up in the air to be with Jesus for all eternity. But until then...
posted by Josh Hawk at 8:13 PM
3 Comments:
wow.
well stated.
I can honestly say I know where your at and understand 100% how that feels.
When I lost my dad I had the same feelings; the difference is Christ. You know Him, so you know that you are allowed (priveleged) to share in His beautiful sufferings.
I am extremely sorry for your loss Josh, I know that a brother love is different than any other kind of love. But Jeuss understands and will bring wholeness and restoration to the deepest realms of your currently broken heart. That's His Job: to heal the sick and brings all things into presence and changes them.
I love you and really appreciate your friendship. Its tough because I feel like you have such an established life; I feel often times I can't reach you. And its nothing you've done, I often dwell in my own self-esteem issues. But, I want you to know that I HAVE been praying and WILL KEEP praying for you in this intense time of need.
Jesus sees your faithfulness to not disqualify His goodness in times where its potentially non-visible. His love is always tangible; reach out and grab some...
I am 'for' you....and so is He.
Benny,
Hey Josh,
My heart reverberates with your words; how true they are! This is reality, but it is not the reality God intends. This life is but a shadow, an echo of what He has in store for us - what our wounded hearts long for.
The Lord does all things well. Even though I barely knew Benji, even though I'm just beginning to know the Hawk family, his death has affected me far more than I expected it would.
I feel in my heart more than ever before a deep desire, a longing, to honor my Lord and Saviour with my life; as Paul (and John VB) wrote, to present my body to Him a living sacrifice.
I also feel more aware of our mortality, and I want to treasure my family and friends and the time I have with them. These are precious gifts from God.
God bless the Hawk family. I'm praying for you throughout each day.
Don
Joshua:
As I read this post, my heart reverberated with yours. As I said in my post on the blog for Benji, our daughter Rebecca is recovering very, very, very slowly from a traumatic brain injury, as I think Benji may have suffered. In different doctor/nurse/therapist notes, it is noted: traumatic brain injury, severe tbi, very severe tbi. Whatever they wrote, it HURT. We did not lose Rebecca to death, but it has been like a living death these last two years and five months. I can touch Becca and hug and kiss her, but she cannot yet reach out her arms to hug me back. I can talk to her, but she cannot yet talk back to me. That HURTS. I CANNOT understand your pain of death, but I know how it feels to get hit with memories in strange places (like the mall you mentioned). I know what it feels like to be sick and tired of crying. And I now know what it feels like to long for heaven more than I ever did before. I now know what it is like to long to talk to God more than ever. I now know what it is like to be very humbled when someone tells you they admire your faith and how you have helped them stand stronger in Christ. I now know what it feels like to have no words to pray except HAVE MERCY and that others carry you in prayer. Hold on tight, as I know you are. I agree, I think it will always hurt. But I am so thankful I can go to my DADDY and climb up in His lap and feel His arms around me. I am thankful He can handle my lashing out in frustration and anger and He still holds me. I am thankful He holds me up and keeps reminding me of His promise to restore. I just want to be faithful and keep standing. The battle is His!
A Sister in Christ and Librarian at OWU, Stephanie Leupp
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